After the 14th

Something inside me broke–

and it’s been a gathering of shards and scraps since.

I’ve been holding the pieces to my chest

asking God for it to be fixed.

But maybe the shards of glass are just sand

and they’re meant to blow away with the wind.

Perhaps what was broken was intentionally finished

so I may receive what God wants to give.

Happy

“are you always this happy?”

“do people even need to tell you to smile?”

“yellow is your favorite color?”

“it would be, you optimist.”

 

and how can i not be?

if you only knew the thunder and lightning

that rumble in my chest,

the panicked feeling of displacement–

i have to leave i need to leave.

there’s also pangs of sadness and longing

and a clawing need to rest.

i endure dragging fights

of sleepless nights,

with no energy, none at all.

i pace at three in the morning,

terrified to no means end–

no end, no end

that i will never sleep again.

and i cry because i’m tired,

and i cry because i’m sad,

and i cry because i miss and reminisce

the days i used to feel at peace.

 

i am not always happy,

but i want to be.

because you want to be.

because everyone wants to be.

so i choose to be.

 

no one tells me to smile.

i just think of my favorite people,

and i think of love.

i think of my loved ones, happy.

and i can’t help but smile,

because i don’t like the feeling when i’m not.

 

and yellow is my favorite color,

because of the sun.

because the sun is light,

and the sun makes me think of the beach side.

and the sun is the absence of night,

(therefore, the absence of panicked insomnia fights).

and in the daytime,

i can be. i can be.

and i want to be optimistic,

so i choose to be.

because anxiety wants me not to be.

and i really, truthfully, want to be as happy

as i appear to be.

-April 2017

Alternate

Dawn:

smooth sailing

into the waters of August

and a glorious sunset–

 

water blasts

dark abyss

colossal misses

thunder claps

slapping sand

faceless, nameless

time passes

so slowly

possession, obsession

color drained

lost desire

craving higher

 

that initial

heart center

smooth sailing away.

Wildflowers

Let me take you to my garden.

Let me take you to where I bloom.

Where my little patch of earth

of ocean and mountains, bright in hue,

sing a song of joy and gloom.

Together, at the same time,

is where you’ll find me,

but kept safe in loving, helpful harmony.

Just know that there is more to me

than what you’ve seen—

 

In your garden, I became a wallflower.

But in mine, you consumed the wildflowers.

Awake

Everything I feel in the day

Comes out at night,

Like the bass of thunder

And the flash of light.

It keeps me awake with its constant beating,

Slapping the texture

Of my aching heart.

With rain,

and pain,

and tearing.

But to fall asleep to the sound of the rain.

It washes the hurt

That is brought by your name.

And to witness that powerful shift to healing

Means far more to me

Than what Anxiety thought it was stealing.